Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
