I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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