He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
