there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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