So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
