Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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