I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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