also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize