Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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