ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
