Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
