I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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