I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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