The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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