I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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