ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
