I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
