he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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