Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
