Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sext me about skeletons
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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