I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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