Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
