if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
