I want to make a zoo with you.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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