All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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