Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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