we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
