problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
