Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
