I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
