No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
