Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
