can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
