My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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