i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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