I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
