all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize