I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
