I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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