apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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