I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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