Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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