Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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