I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
