I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
