the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
