I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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