she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
