I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
