The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
