You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
