He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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