Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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