Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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