Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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