i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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