i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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